Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
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[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.