Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
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Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
😬
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.