Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
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*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Time for evil
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*