I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
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RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.