Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
You Might Also Like
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
Just a friendly reminder!
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.