I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
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[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
ok this is my dumbest yet
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Covid like
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”