my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
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I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana