Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
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“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.