Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
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I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
*skinny dips into black hole
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.