I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
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After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no