Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
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[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.