COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
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Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse