Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
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Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?