American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
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Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.