When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
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(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it