If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
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2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
idk what he going thru but i feel him
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
plant them where lol
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No