Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
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Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
@funTweeters
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.