He’s cranky this morning
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I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.