The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
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DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
Happy Halloween 🎃
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*