Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
You Might Also Like
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!