me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
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Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
“A little help here, Danny?”
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-