Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
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I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.