[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
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ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.