The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
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much to think about
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor