I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
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Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
Can’t. Being lazy.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.