I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
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My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
Well, that should do it
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.