“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
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Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
be careful
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***