some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
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Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.