The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
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LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.