Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
You Might Also Like
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
meanwhile over on facebook
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one