[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
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Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.