I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
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You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.