Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
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Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi