MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
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April 1st is the class clown of days.
Flowers bee like
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.