Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
You Might Also Like
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
Good morning y’all ☀️
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.