The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
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[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.