My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
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[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me