Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
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him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
He wanted to make sure😂
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*