People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
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I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
Very problematic
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.