Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
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boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
when revenge coincides with naptime
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
WHY would you be happy about this?
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.