Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
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My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’