I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
You Might Also Like
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”