Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
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People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Guantanamo Bae
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.