5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
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My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Bloody internet 😳
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.