[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
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Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite