Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
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We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.