Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
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When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb