*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
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Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”