doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
You Might Also Like
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
Haha good job!!
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me