A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
You Might Also Like
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Reporter: *ports again*
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this